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Such a hilariously ambivalent day. I woke up at 8:30am for no reason other than to have done just that, and found myself comically proud for having slept early and woken up earlier by myself. I took a shower, and then sent some emails while sitting around in my towel for longer than I had actually been in the shower. 

I had no urge to write today, because I had written for the last two days, and really, really written all day yesterday, yet I still felt and urge to fake productivity. I went to the Marin County Superior Court offices (Room C10; the ‘C’ is for the Criminal floor, which seems so much more daunting than it need be), and was so uncomfortable. Such a heinous ambiance there, standing in line and over hearing the minor and major troubles of strangers. I gave them a check for $529.00 and made a date for a hearing to contest the ticket I was paying, which, if ruled in my favor, would result in my check being refunded. They do not wait to see if it is ruled in my favor; they cash the check first.

For the last few days, I’d worked in the Mill Valley Library, partly because I adore the high ceilings, the natural light, the large widows and the bevy of redwoods, but also because Moonrise Kingdom was playing at the Sequoia and I liked the idea of treating myself to a movie after a day of writing. Over the course of the last two days, I kept writing through showtimes, saying I’d go to the next one, and then resolving that I’ll do it another day. Yesterday, I was aimless for a portion of the morning and a majority of the late evening, but I was not at the Mill Valley Library, and thus not walking distance to the Sequoia, and though the film was playing elsewhere, was playing closer-by, the form of the viewing—the idea of the reward—was paramount. 

To the point where today, after leaving room  C10, I went to the Mill Valley Library with a tote bag packed with my laptop, charger, headphones and a book, with everything I needed except for an actual intention to write. It became obvious rather quickly when I arrived (it had become obvious that morning in the shower but was true now) that I had only come here to fulfill the image of walking from the Mill Valley Public Library to the Sequoia to see Moonrise Kingdom and for no reason other than that. 

I’m sitting in the theatre, having not written, but having woken up early, having not had my check refunded, but having showered. I am rewarding myself for nothing, but I have fulfilled the plan, the reward itself, and that should strangely maybe somehow count for something. 

Posted 11 months ago with 2 notes
Tags: personal  writings  thought  journal